I’m tired of trying with zero return on effort.
We are sorry to hear that, @jonthecomposer. Is there anything in particular that is bothering you?
1 Heart
I appreciate your concern. Loneliness. Decades of not finding anyone of mutual interest. That’s the really super-ultra-mega-simple version. Of course, it affects everything else. And most feel it has an easy answer or that I’m doing something wrong, or that I haven’t worked hard enough, or that I just need to “not worry about it” or “it’ll happen soon” or whatever. Allllll the words of encouragement are very VERY VERY VERY hard to hear simply because of a few reasons: 1) I am powerless to make others like me (as in: not MY decision), 2) nothing ever changes. It does, but it takes AT THE VERY LEAST years or decades and I’m 51 (dad died at 53). 3) I’ve heard it over and over with hope to the point that I have no hope left. It’s really really REALLY difficult to be hopeful only to have those hopes dashed SO MUCH that you’re afraid of dying before you have any hope.
People here might care, but I have no intimate partner nor do I have anyone I can count on to listen when I really need it. So literally EVERYTHING I go through is ALONE. Year after year, decade after decade no matter how much I try/don’t try, do, improve, change/don’t change, [insert any self-improvement thing here]. It just never truly changes. And I spend my days basically screaming into the void just so that someone can hear me and ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND me.
Have you ever considered that you are making it all far more complicated than it has to be, and that your overthinking the hopelessness of your situation might be an actual part of the issue?
I don’t mean that in a bad way, I do understand how easy it is to get lost down that rabbit hole that is your own mind, but a lot of people really shy away from deep or strong emotions because not everyone understands them. Most people have a hard time thinking past the mundane day to day stuff, and they aren’t actively looking to connect with anyone-- much less someone that sounds as down on life and yet still insightful as you.
If you are always so negative and down about yourself and your life, its hard to attract positive people. Because positive people like to be around other positive people, and negative people do like to be around other negative people because they can relate to them (misery love company), but negativity is kind of like a wall for those people and so even if they meet someone like them they may not recognize it because they are too deep into their own life’s issues to notice.
I work in the automotive sales industry and we have a term for what sales people do when they get down on themselves and they aren’t selling. Its called gripping, and its really exactly that. They haven’t sold anything so they are gripping on to every customer too tightly and the customer views it as them being pushy and so they are naturally offput and inclined to pass on the deal. The harder the sales person tries the less they sell.
In your case, maybe you are at a point where you are so starved for that connection with someone that you are rushing it, trying to force something that should just happen naturally and so its having the opposite effect.
Try to think of making a friend less as something that is on your bucket list and more like something that may or may not happen with every person you interact with. Friendship is just another label after all. If you are kind to people and you encourage them to be better in their life they will starting seeing you as a friend.
1 Heart
It’s very understandable that I may come off as too negative a lot. However, on here I purposefully air my problems and negativity since it’s a support site. And although I see your points, I really feel like you’ve only seen this facet of what I am posting. IRL, I literally have hundreds of friends, just none that are intimate and only like 1 who’s close, just not close enough to tell everything to or depend on. Also, as far as trying is concerned, I haven’t tried anything for over a year. Unfortunately, seems as though nothing has changed and I see nobody viewing me, reacting to, or interacting with me any differently.
As far as always being down, that’s not me publicly nearly as much as on here. My band actually got to open up for Keith Anderson locally (Southern Illinois) last Friday. It was a great show. Him and his whole group were cool and people appreciated us and treated us well. We got free drinks, free show, to mingle with everyone, and it all turned out WAY better than expected, especially since I’d had such a horrible day before the show. But I got there and was like, “This ain’t happening here.” Also, being a serious bassist, I needed to maintain professionalism.
I do understand that a lot of people don’t like being negative. However, I’d MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH rather listen to another’s negativity if it’s genuine and I see they need some empathy and/or comfort than someone who just pretends to be positive so others can like them or view them differently. Sure, a little “put on the happy face” here and there does help. I get it. It doesn’t need to be considered not-genuine if you’re doing it on occasion as a way to cope or help ---- even I do that too. But that begs the question: other than other’s dislike of it, what’s inherently wrong with expressing what’s hurting you, especially if it’s to the right people? I see nothing. However, other than what you’ve already said, you may have a reason that helps me understand more.
From the “long haul” and “life affecting” perspective: although you make a good point about salespeople, their situation is just work performance (Not trying to sound dismissive!). And I seriously doubt there’s been a salesperson who hasn’t sold a car in ten years even though everyone around them sells a lot and for worse deals. The stakes in my case deal with a psychological need as well as time running legitimately shorter as I age. So it’s by default probably going to affect anyone who is going through it (as in: same as I am) worse than job performance.
With that having been said, I wanted to wait until I was in a state to answer in a less reactive way in order to explain myself better.
I get it, sometimes life is pretty good, you just feel like on the one hand you know it is pretty good, but you just feel like life isn’t what you wanted it to be or you just aren’t in a good spot. I get that at a visceral level.
1 Heart
Yeah. It’s just slightly more complicated. Basically, I am in tune with things when they are good. But the loneliness just makes everything worse all the time even if it’s good. It’s why I do fine when someone likes me mutually.