This is me climbing back up on the recovery pony. I tried a few weeks ago and got bucked off. Having stayed down in the dirt for awhile I thought maybe I'd give it another try.
I have been working with my therapist, she actually suggested I come back here, pretty smart that lady. My issue is my mind set is not the most willing.
Alas I'm showing up, reading your wonderful offerings, and trying to get a leg up.
I know so much...we all do. It's this darn cycle or cyclone of relapse that doesn't want to let go of my life.
Anyhow I'm acting as if I was 100% willing.
Specifics? What am I going to do about my current head space?
Well I guess I'm admitting I am somewhere I don't want to be anymore. I am admitting that hope is hiding inside me. I am keeping close contact with a professional. I am admitting I woke up with a plan to binge today and it still sounds good.
I'm admitting that need support, and know this is a great place.
Now I'm going to go act as if I am in recovery, at least for right now.
Thank you,
Patsy
Oh Patsy,
I am really happy for you. I am bummed of course that the cyclone decided to weave its way back into your life but i am glad that you are going to act as if you are in recovery. I am not sure what that means or looks like but i wish you all the best with it anyway.
I am not sure what to classify myself. I am certainly not acting like i am in recovery but in my head, i am saying that all this is still part of the recovery process. If that makes sense.
I am glad that you have a therapist that you can contact when you need to and yes, you are right. Hope does live inside you. Inside everyone of us. Whilst we still have breath within us, there is still hope.
Wishing you Recovery.
Love
Sreb
xx
Sreb,
Nutz! I don’t want to be in this head space.
I value your loving response. I do believe we are growing wiser, more compassionate, etc. I do not take any comfort that others are struggling, but do find safety that you “get” what I am going through. The bummer is understanding comes from these mutual trapped experiences. Alas out of understanding perhaps we move a bit closer to ourselves.
That’s all I want for you Sreb, is for you to enjoy being alive today, right now.
Thank you.
Patsy
Patsy,
HUG to you my friend! I agree with Sreb that this is all part of the recovery process....as hard as that seems.
I think there are times when you have to 'fake it until you make it', but I also believe strongly that standing honestly is critical. So, the 'faking it' part may be more helpful in terms of being mechanical, you know?
Because you are struggling does not mean, in my opinion, that you are NOT in recovery...again, part of the process, the journey.
Please keep sharing.....I have missed reading your words...Jan ♥
Jan,
You tend so lovingly to this wonderful cybergarden. It is truly a place of substance.
I wish my relapse was as simple as my stopping the daily posts. I got board with myself, or was it cocky?
Anyhow I’m glad I can come home again. I look forward to sharing my return to sanity with everyone (just wish it would hurry up).
Patsy
welcome back, soul sis---
i can't imagine the unpredictability of the recovery process. i am grateful for your return and for what you share. please keep writing...
namaste-
xoxo
Amy,
Ahhh it feels good to be accepted as I am. Back at you.
P
P...been thinking about you today in the midst of my newly crazy-busy life!!
Namaste ♥
Yea,
I love being here, it's a big step for me. I find it easy, of course, to post when I am maintaining abstinence. Posting during the process of letting go of the big physical symptoms of this ED is not so easy.
For one thing, I don't feel too clear headed or positive much of the time. Perfectionist, me? I never considered myself that but maybe.
I hate being a liar so I don't dare pledge abstinence today. I do believe in miracles and in change, so I'll just say I am leaving the door open for recovery, it's very welcome to come in.
Thanks for letting me give voice to my feelings and my current reality.
Love,
Patsy
Patsy,
It IS a big step...life itself is a big step...every day. Some steps are easy, others are like moving a pile of bricks.
Leaving the door open is allowing room for change.
Thinking of you....♥
"Fake it till you make it." Just the quote that popped into my head, too, Jan! ♥
Patsy,
Hang in there... Remember that you have not set yourself back... You know more today than you did a year ago. You are stronger, and have more recovery experiences. ♥ Relapse SUCKS... I'm so sorry... But I'm glad that you are rallying and climbing back on the "recovery pony". ;0)
Love you, friend!
Jen
Friends,
I wish there were more English words for thank you.
I am back, today. Out of necessity more than anything. I've hit my bottom I hope. Bulimia has officially taken over. Now I surrender and put my faith into honesty, therapy exercises I never go to before the food, and the kindness of strangers (through many of you don't feel like strangers) I give up.
Today I will not binge or purge. I will write my therapist, write here, sit and do nothing or busy myself. The urge passes and in it's wake is often clarity.
Yuck, I liked be in oblivion just a little.
Again I hope to share my success and my experience here in this very pro-recovery forum. Have I said how grateful I am that this place exist.
I love the parameters of the sharing, I love the maturity, and the warmth.
Thank you all.
Namaste
Patsy
Patsy...no fancy words, but please know that I am thinking about you, and I look forward to reading more from you....Jan ♥
Good Morning,
I'm on a roll, reporting my intent to lay down the habits of bulimia. Perched from the window of today, I look back at yesterday and am pleased with myself. I stayed with the feelings, swam in the urge to binge and resisted. I wrote and sat and I stayed away from the binging until 11pm. Then a salad turned to two, and so on...
I am disappointed but know that it may take awhile to let go of the binging and purging. It's never about the food really. Any magic precautions I may seek can go wrong if I let ED take the wheel. I don't exactly know when I'll start going to bed without guilt, but I know nothing really changes out of anger, I need to love myself out of this, and I'm ready to live fully again.
Today I forgive yesterdays short binge, and profess my intent to feel instead of bolt. I will digest all that passes through my sweet lips.
Patsy
Hi Patsy....I hear and respect you so so much for making yourself accountable here. You say you need to love yourself out of this...YES! Blame, shame and self-hatred will get you nowhere. Forgiveness....ahhh....thinking of you...Jan ♥
Hi,
Accountable is exactly what I'm trying to be. I am disappointed that no light switch on change has occurred. Yesterday I woke up with less fight in me, I knew somewhere I wanted to abstain from bulimia, but felt that the driver seat was warm with the butt of bulimia.
Today, I'm annoyed that the time really has come to feel that warm butt and push it out the door. I don't feel like recovering at all, but I have to, want to.
Again I state my intention. For now I probably won't have foods I associate as binge foods around, I contacted my therapist and wrote here. I have stuff to fill the time.
I have compassion for myself some where, which is what I really need.
Much gratitude out to all who wish me success on my struggle to get back in the driver seat. Much belief out to all who share this path.
Patsy
Patsy,
Hearing you Patsy....you are a survivor!
Have you returned back to school yet? Wishing you a better day....Jan ♥
The warm butt of bulimia!! Lol! Patsy, you're a riot! :)
I am also witness to your intention to kick that butt out of the car. :) Thinking of you, friend!
Love,
Jen
Jen,
Having friendly, supportive, witnesses is a gift. I begin again today. Yesterday surely has some clues as what not to do.
Thank you.
Patsy
soul-sis patsy...
thank you for your honesty. i believe in you, honey.
namaste-
xoxo