Back to the darkness

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Well it's the start of a black day for me...I just had my breakfast and instead of actually getting up, i've decided to go back to bed. If anyone reading this has read my other post "how do you let go of the anger?" you'll understand what kind of mood I am in.

I feel like I've been walked upon...my eating has gotten out of control. I just want to stay in my room and not talk to anyone. I'm supposed to make an appointment with my doc today I don't even feel I have the energy to pick up the phone.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. It's like the clouds have overtaken.
I'm so angry, but it is well suppressed by food at this stage, I feel like kicking and screaming at someone, but there is no one to hear it. I feel exhausted from my attitude and just want to sleep.

I hate him, that **** who hurt me, I hate ED, I hate myself..I am nothing but a burden on the people who love me. And now I feel like such a winger, I don't want to say anything to them.

I just need a hug from someone who can tell me that everything is going to be ok, I feel like I've no fight left in me at the moment.

Moongal x

2

Moongal...I have not read your other post...yet. But, it's obvious that you are feeling buried by depression and other intense emotions.
I'm so sorry that you were hurt. You say that you wish you could kick and scream....is that possible where you are? Does it matter that no one would listen? If it would relieve the pent-up tension, go for it!
At this point, giving in to the feelings of apathy and what sounds like 'giving up', will probably only make you feel worse. Can you try to actually be proactive for yourself and make that call to your doctor? It could bring up some feelings of power and strength due to you taking charge.
I know it's hard, but giving up is harder...keep fighting!! Sending you HUGS....Jan ♥

3

Hey Jan,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm just on such a downer i always get like this after contact with him, but it has never been this bad.

I have to get up soon anyway, my mam will be home from work and will be disappointed to see me like this. My stomach hurts so much from what I've eaten.

I wish I were stronger...5% of me wants to fight, the rest wants to turn around and sleep. Nobody knows what to do when I get like this...hell I don't even know.

I'm going back to therapy next week as I'm not coping anymore. I hope to see a change. At the moment I feel like the living dead.

Best Wishes to you, thanks for the support
MG x

4

Moongal, I'm so sorry you feel this way! I feel the same today, you've verbalized it perfectly. I'm told going out for walks is a help when you feel this way but when I feel this way (like now) I don't even want to go out.
Hope you find the energy to call the Dr.! Sent you a message as well.
Speak soon :)
TJ

5

Oh, Moongal, I feel for you, sweetie... I know how powerful depression can feel. How HEAVY... I think a doctor's visit would really help... Have you ever been on antidepressants? They've made a world of difference for me. ♥

Thinking of you,

Jen

6

Hey Jen,
Ya I'm on a low dosage of anti-deps. I rang a therapist yesterday, because I can't keep going like this, so I simply need a referral letter from my doc.

I don't know if I can move up dosage of anti-deps because I'm on other meds for epilipsey and the doctor has to check how the would effect one another...although I think I need to move up they are just not working enough for me.

I feel like I'm being a bad daughter and useless as a person. I just want to be better and stronger.

Pray that will happen soon
Warmest Wishes to all depression sufferers out there.

MG x

7

Moongal,
I have been there, many times. It's a rough place to be. When I was in that dark place, I knew what I "should" do but couldn't seem to get it together enough to even feed myself. I truly empathize with how you are feeling but I do not know the answers for you. What worked for me won't necessarily work for you. I went through a cloud of depression for quite awhile, and a part of me started getting use to being miserable. Please don't allow that to happen to you. Try building a support system with people that will keep you busy and your mind focused on other things. There are things to wake up for, and be happy about. What I do know is that **** has brought you to a place of unhappiness. You need to find a way to move past those feelings in order to find someone new. The smallest things may help each day get better. For me, I forced myself to have a "to do" list. Whether it was taking my dogs to the park, wash my car, commit to lunches/dinners with friends, or even spreading out the errands... anything will do at this point. Just find the energy and courage to get out of bed and see the brighter side of the good things you do have in your life. I know it probably seems like everything sucks right now, but I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll find something. I found great comfort in my friends and sister. I tried seeing my psychiatrist and he put me on medication, but that didn't work for me. I decided to disipline myself in snapping out of it. Like I said, everyone is different and I hope you find a way out...

I hope you feel better and I'm here for you.
xo, July

8

I tried to snap out of it for 16 years. When I finally went to a psychiatrist in desperation, I only wished I would have gone sooner. For me, there's a strong biological component, and I needed the meds. :)

9

Hey July,
Thanks for the support. My Mam came home from work and she wanted to talk but I briskly avoided the subject and moved from the room. I know I do infuriate her with my answers when she asks why I'm down I'll say I don't know, even though do, I'm just afraid if I say it out loud i'll start crying again, and I don't want to.

Ya I will start on a to do list...my poor dog has been suffering because I have been so down over the last few days...she's so playful and always wants to be walked and she's so cute so even comes in and checks up on me and sits by my bed sometimes...I know I sound like a looney tunes, dogs can't really "check up" on someone but i half think she could.

So I think walking her and washing the car would be top priority tomorrow. Tonight I might just rent precious, it's supposed to be good, and stay in with my mom or the girls if they are up for it.

Thanks for being so great July, sometimes I feel like is it me just being lazy and a sulky pot and I have to get passed this guy. He has wrecked my head for far too long, this last thing was just the cherry on top.

I hope you are doing well yourself, keep me posted, you seem like such a lovely person, I am grateful for your support.

Warmest Wishes to you
MG x

10

MG,
My dogs are a huge part of my life. They provide me with such unconditional love, so no, it’s not weird you think your dog checks up on you. She loves you and can sense when something’s wrong.

Glad you have a ‘to do’ list, it’s baby steps to making some changes. Being outside in the fresh air and just distracting yourself will surely make you feel better, even if it’s only for a short period of time.

I saw Precious, was a good movie. Gave me a lot of perspective…

You are not being lazy, and this is not a pity party. I’ve been exactly where you are. As if we want to be miserable!!? Depression is very difficult to get out of. But know we are all here to support you and talk to you whenever you need.

Have a wonderful day and talk to you soon.
xo, July

11

Hey hopeful,
Ya I'm going back to the therapist because I have unresolved issues there and the meds i am on are working but it's just such a low dosage.
I think this week has just been terrible for me though.
I'm generally fantastic for exercies..I generally swim and walk about 4 or 5 miles a day (I have an extremely active dog, she keeps me going)...but the past few days all I have done is stayed in my room...loads...and eaten.

I know I am hurting the people around me...I am going to try and do better by them and ye guys too. I want to be the story of success.

Wishing you the best for your day and your journey in recovery

Moongal x

12

Hey sorry,
It posted 3 times there I think it could be my broadband connection.
Does anybody ever get so depressed it actually feels painful, like you've been broken or something? I don't know how to describe it.

Maybe that's just me though.

I went to get dinner and there was nothing for me to cook, that happens a lot here, they are so used of just getting food for the two of them...but today I just felt crawling under a rock because of it...I just don't have the energy...this is madness...I must be going mad.

Hope ye guys are doing better

Hugs out to you
MG x

13

Hey Moongal,

I've got a hug for you. I also want you to know that everything is going to be ok. I don't know what you mean when you say that "you feel like such a winger". I'm not familiar with that expression (doesn't sound positive), but I've started on a rugby team recently (my first time) and they tell me that I will make a good winger ;)So see, being a winger can be a good thing! I know its hard when you feel like this, but try to focus on the positive. I'll send you positive vibes.

14

Hey jacki,
Like is in I winge and whine about things....I've actually probably spelt it wrong.

awww but thanks hun, I want tomorrow to be a better day, but I just can't guarantee it I wish i could..I've stayed in bed 80% of the time over the last 3days...it's so bad.

I don't want to live like this...I want a better life for me...I don't know why I making this choice....well no, I know why, I just shouldn't let it get to me, it's not worth it, he's not worth it.

I hope you are doing well
Sending you the best wishes
Moongal x

Hope you are having a good day.

15

MG,

Yes, I often described myself as "broken". I felt like the walking wounded... :P It's normal for depressed people to feel like that, I think, but not normal to be depressed. If that makes sense. You deserve better. And I believe you CAN get there! I'm so glad you're going back to the psychiatrist. Yay!! Please let us know how that goes. :)

Also, I agree that our pets DO check up on us. ♥ I don't even care if I sound crazy. ;0) I had 3 cats, but had to put my oldest to sleep last weekend. My 8 year old has been looking depressed. And my kitten keeps looking for Casper. Seriously, I've watched him three times go over to Casper's box where he usually slept, and sniff all over looking for him... :( When he was really sick, they sensed it, too. They stayed close to him. When I went into anaphalaxis (sp?) a few years ago, my cats stayed right by me the whole time. They know. They just do.

Sending you lots of love! ♥

Jen

16

Hey Hopeful,
I'm so sori about your cat, that must have been a tough decision to make. I never pegged myself as such an animal lover until this dog came into our lives...she's so loveable...we got her from the rescue pound, so I would recommend anyone to make a home for these creatures. She made my day already when she came bounding into the room at 7am to wake me, jumping all over me...dad lets her do that as a joke...so I took her for a long walk today.

But the other days I was down, every so often she would come in and just sit by my bed, looking sad, its just amazing how they know.

I am also mid washing the car, although it has started to rain, but I'll finish it later. I'm trying to take July's advice and do a little "to do" list. I'm going to buy a new diary and it will be hopefully be a new start.

I talked to my Mam about what is going on, and how down I've been about that guy, she knows I don't care for him, but I think that she realises now he has done a lot of damage to my self esteem and that will take work because I am still saying "what did I do to deserve this?"...I know I tried my heart out, I know I did nothing wrong, I know i had the patience of a saint and took as much punishment as anyone could take, this is something I need to get passed, it will take time to convince myself.

I've also been in contact with another guy, who wants to take me out, but I'm not ready to date yet, I'm just going to tell him that I'm not ready yet and if he would interested in maybe waiting a couple of months than great, but really now, it would go nowhere, I'm way to messed up to put anything in, even into dating...I need to work on me for a while. But i am interested in him, if he accepts that, then fantastic,(because i am interested) if not then no loss, as far as guys go I don't want no dramas at the moment.

Ya I'm glad to be going back to therapy too, to be honest, I just need to talk - out loud...and some impartial advice...and therapists can be good by not trying to block emotions and just allow you to feel your feelings instead of being like - get over it, you can do better, you're wasting your time...well they are professionalas so they "get it" more i guess. And I've a terrible issue with feeling like i'm always been judged...so I'm a blocker of my own problems too...I'll say my issues are stupid, because I had a great childhood etc, which is really only being passive about it and not tackling the issue at hand.

I hope you are having a great day...thanks for the comment...hope your kitten starts feeling better soon.

Much love to you
Moongal x

17

Moongal,
got to go meet a friend for a walk right now, but I want to send you a caring piece of my heart. You have good friends on this site as witnessed by their wise words of encouragement and empathy. How lucky we are to have each other. Day at a time, my dear, minute at a time, chuck the darkness, screw it! Open the curtain, peak out at the sun. Its your world. We're in it together. Baby step out, forgive and love yourself. You're one of the good ones. We need you on this earth. Let it go, baby, let go of the mean criticism. You're a good person. Whatever will be will be, worry about the big picture later.

18

Hey,
Thanks for the comment. I am trying to step out, today has been a good day and I must admit I do worry about the bad to come, but it's ok i am hoping that i can pull through.

I'm going to take baby steps and see where the fall. I hope everyone on this site has had a great day. Dealing with BED is difficult...so just going to try and take everyday as it comes.

Best Wishes to you, I hope you have a good day with your friend
MG x

19

Hi Moongal,
Its been a couple of days, I haven't read anything more recent from you since July 3, so I hope this is still pertinent.

You were so positive in your response to me that I was amazed. You have such strength to pull yourself from the deepest gloom; you are okay, lady! It seems you have the knowledge and the stamina to make some significant changes for the better in your life. So do I and your power empowers me; thank you!

Sometimes we need to lean on each other, or we need other supports, such as books, CD's, medication, meditation, heck, whatever it takes. Some people truly amaze us because they seem so together, but I think they work at it, too; "everybody hurts," didn't REM sing that? We're in wonderful company. You take care of your sweet self, like a Faberge egg, delicate and perfect you are, you know that.
Godspeed!
lmurphy14

20

Hey murphy,
Ya I'm trying to pull myself out of it yeah...sometimes I do get this "OMG shock fear"...it's difficult to describe...it's like it's my past trying to get back in...like a flash from the past that you want to forget...and I have to shake my head and try to let it go...because i will never move forward if I keep looking back...so they aren't nice, but they are getting better..and my brain is starting to think more rationally about things thank God.

I hope you are good too...I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and not get caught up in counting "binge free days"...for now everyday is day 1.

Thanks for the comments
Best of luck to you too.

Moongal x