I added you :)
Hey Hawthrons,
Well I do think that is true about feeling like its real, as we wouldn't feel so down and scared if we knew it wasn't real. Deep down inside us, we know the truth but because of the obsession and we can't explain why we keep thinking this way, things become more real.
But I realized that it doesn't mean that you have HOCD full stop, thats why you need to get professional help for it. For example, the doctor told me that I have anxiety disorder, Personality disorder and because of them I have obsessional traits, just like OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) not full on OCD but traits of it. So try and think to yourself what have may have caused this...Do you have a past of depression? So on...
I hope some of that helped :)
A x
Thanks for your input, really appreciate it. No I don't really have a past of depression or anything like that. The HOCD started because i watched gay porn ages ago. When i was in secondary school i kinda went through a "gay phase" if there is such a thing. Now i'm completely different but it's my past that haunts me because I know i've been there if you know what I mean. I've never done anything with a guy and have no real desire to. But sometimes when i try imagine it, i don't know whether it's the HOCD or me, it seems interesting. But all of that's only in my head, if i was thinking clearly i'd not think that at all. But that's what this blasted thing does, it messes with your head and manipulates you. That's why i'm so scared because it seems so horrible and real and i hate it. It's really starting to take it's toll on me.
Like, i'll worry about it constantly for any amount of time, the longest is three weeks. But after it'll kinda die down and i'll be fine for at least a month. I don't understand it. Everyday i just believe that i must be gay, even though there's always something there saying "you know you're not".
But right now, the reasons for why i could be gay seem to outweigh the reasons against. My whole past involved me wearing camp clothes, finding my best mate attractive and stuff. But at the same time, i was still very much attracted to women and the thought "are you gay" never came across my mind. I've thought i could be bi, but i'm not really interested in guys that way anymore, i'm not who I was.
So that's why i can't feel okay about this, because of my past. Even though i'm different now, i'll still think, well what if it's just buried really deep somewhere and you want to accept it and come out. I've tried accepting i'm gay, but it just seems so bloody stupid.
You hear about all these people who have gay sex and they say they aren't gay. If thinking about gay sex doesn't repulse me then I panic because i think it should.
At the end of the day, I don't have any genuine desire or fantasy to be with a man or to have sex with a man. I have a girlfriend. Most of the time only imagine myself in homosexual situations to reassure me that everything's okay but it doesn't work
I'm just fed up =/
Sorry for the rant.
hey Honey!!, Hawthorns...Oh darling, I really appreciate your writing, you know why?? 'cause you couldn't have written it better!! I have the same situation, oh, honey, chill out...you're not gay I know it 'cause I can understand you very well, every word that you wrote, I can't believe that anyelse is going through the same situation, its unbelievable. look, CHILL OUT, it's my advice and take into account if you obsess yourself the problem would get worse, trust me...and WE'RE DONE BY TWO PARTS: MALE AND FEMALE, everybody has an homosexual part but try not to obsess checking yourself looking at guys or anything
well sorry for my mistakes, im not a native speaker and if you want you can send me an email_: [email protected] or add me on facebook: megan sweeny, im holding a guitar no the picture
i would like to help u
take care
Hawthorns, Megan is right about everybody being homosexual, not in a way that they would be gay/lesbian but in a way that most people are interested to what its like, everyone is curious about other people sexuality and what it would be like whether your gay or straight, that is why people experiment to see if that is what there interested in, for example, I kissed a girl once or twice, It may have been a long time ago and I was drunk, but either way it was experimenting, and from that experience I knew straight away that I was straight, And it doesn't matter if you watched gay porn, I saw gay, that doesn't make me gay does it? No, of course not because I'm not a man. Just like if some one watched beastiality porn, that doesn't make them want to spend the rest their life with an animal and marry it, and have kids with it, does it? Nope! So try not to associate this with porn, the way I look at porn, that its mindless, you don't look for security and love when watching porn, you look for pleasure doesn't matter what gender, most people just get pleasure looking at someone else getting pleasured, there is noting else to it really, well that's my opinion anyway.
Megan is also right about if you keep obsessing about it, it will get worse, but I'm not going to tell you stop thinking about it, because I know it seems impossible to do, and I know it won't go away. Just take some things into account,
http://helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm
http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/obsessioncompulsion.asp
-What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
-Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
-What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?
-If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
-Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
-What would I say to a friend who had this worry?
If you weren't gay before this, then its most likely that your not.
Try and get some professional help if its affecting your day to day life. I will get worse and won't help itself, so try and sort it, if you don't feel comfortable going to see someone about it yet, try the links above. They are self help guides.
<3
He people, im back im much better now, I havo no more obsessions about hocd, im happy for that, the pills helped me a lot, but im here for u, if you have any doubts you can ask me, i want to help u
kisses