Hi there. I did not overshare much information because I am used to people such as adults, social workers, physiatrists often brushing off my situation, so I did not give many details. I will provide as much context for you and anyone else that sees this blog. I am remembering these traumatic events after repressing them for so long, some details are fuzzy but what I can recall I will write it down. Thank you for reading.
I am a 22F , Black, I live in Barbados and my culture is Caribbean.
My living situation, I lived with my parents for a long time however when I was younger I lived at my granny’s house with my aunt, mom, dad, half sister and granny.
When I was younger life was happier, my parents, half sister and I would go out with each other, I often was shown affection and care from my mom, but my dad often was grumpy, annoyed and upset, one time when he was with his friend and I was there, he cursed around me and screaming. His friend told him to not act that way around me and he said he did not care that I was around he can act however he likes, I was 4 or 5 years. One time he stood in the middle of the road, he told me he wanted a car to hit him, I hugged him and cried because I did not want that to happen.
He often acted distant and stand offish and I wanted his attention as a child but I often avoided him because he did not act like how his friends would towards me, they would be happy to me me but my dad was often annoyed. He favored his first child (my half sister) with hugs, affection and often supported her in school when he never showed me that same love.
Everything changed when we moved out of granny’s house when I was 7,
He often got more annoyed and angrier with me for no reason, he often screamed at me and whenever he got angry, he would grab my arm and squeeze it, When I was 7, I told my dad after school I was not doing homework and he took a belt and beat me in my bedroom until I cried badly, I told my mom, and she scolded him.
When I was 10, I had to practice for CSEC exams to go into secondary school and one time I did not get my maths problem they both screamed at me so loudly I locked myself in my room. I then had to write a letter to apologize when I knew they were in the wrong, I had issues with match from the time I was young, and I don’t get it right away and people often screamed at me or implied I was the r word because of my reaction time, and I need to have it repeated before I get a problem solved.
When I started my cycle at 10 my mom told my dad and he often made fun of me for having my period. He often told me I looked too skinny, I had too much acne or my legs were spotty in an insulting tone throughout my life. Whenever I go to the hairdresser (14-17) he would become annoyed and angry, he never gave me a compliment and often screamed or acted annoyed whenever my hair had to be styled or if he had to take me to the hairdresser. Two of my previous hairdressers told me on separate occasions that my father does not like me and he does not love me based on how he acted with me in public.
He also took away my iPod one time when I could not sleep and I was dancing and enjoying myself, but he came to me, grabbed me and took my iPod out of my hands and hid it from me. He said he could do that because he could.
Also, at that time when I was 10 I had a neighbor that I would go out and play or he would show me tricks on his skateboard, but my mom told me because of my period I couldn’t hang out with boys anymore and I was dirty. I would lock myself in my room and avoid people, the only time I went outside was with my parents or extended family (they are much worse than my parents but that is a different story).
We moved homes when I was 11 and as I got older, he would still be stand offish, he often got mad if I talked to any boy and he often made up lies about my old neighbor because we used to hang out together and my neighbor did not like my dad because my dad would go outside and glare at him and he made up a fake story to justify his irrational hate.
I tried family counselling at 14 because I felt smothered by my parents and I did noy understand why I could not do things like other children such as catching the bus to school or hang out with friends, so I went to see a psychologist that my father knew. He told the psychologist that he was jealous of me, and he did not like that when he screamed at me for no reason or made me cry, I would go to my mom. In his eyes I was taking my moms attention from him. At one point my mom used to defend me from my dad but eventually she started taking his side and justifying his behavior, she said one time that she could not do anything because he treats me that way because his father used to physically abuse him.
When I was 15 he bought me a tight dress and I felt uncomfortable with it because it was not my style and it was very low cut, I never wore it and I hid it before I disposed of it, he claims he never bought it.
When I was 17 he barged into my room as I was styling my hair and he started screaming at me on why I was up , he then raised his hand to slap me, I was shocked, and I tried to act tough and asked him to do it but he walked away. He then started cursing loudly and woke up my mom to tell her that I was up late. I never told her about the threat.
He often would get upset at me for no reason as the years go on , one time he accused me of something he assumed and made it seem like that was how I felt all because I looked at him and he thought it was a look of disgust.
He started touching me in 2021 on two separate occasions and I would feel uncomfortable as I said before. He always walked around with no shirt and underwear from the time I was young and still does it now I am grown, it weirds me out, sometimes he used to change in the living room after he showered and I had to tell him sternly to stop it because it is gross especially since I go out of my room for breakfast or make my meals to eat at the dining table. Now I have to deal with catching him undressed I told my mom, and she still did not get a chance to tell him about it.
I have no support system, my half sister often treated me like I was annoying an we had a falling out in 2019. She also is close to my dad so he can easily persuade her of whatever he thinks.
My father’s side of the family is dysfunctional, they lie, fight, gossip amongst each other and one time one of my father’s sisters grabbed and squeezed my butt in front of my uncles and ask me why my but was so small and why was I not as shapely like them and she was laughing at my body. It was embarrassing and I did not tell anyone out of shame.
My mother’s side is the same way, they hate me and often gossip about me, constantly ask my mom what I am doing, and they tell my secrets and make fun of me behind my back. They do not value privacy and think that my business is their business.
I tried staying with my granny and aunt during 2020 but the experience was awful. My granny was sick but she took me in, my aunt was pissed I stayed, she proceeded to steal from me al of my food I bought from the supermarket, rely on m to buy groceries and take care of my granny, she shifted her responsibilities onto me and I became even more depressed because I was trying to recover from an ED and try to build myself up after living with my parents, My aunty often insulted me, played videos all throughout the night that I could not sleep, was miserable and often put her anger onto me, was mad at everything I did and she implied I was ungrateful and had no problems. and she was angry I when I told her I am an introvert, and I did not want to participate in gossip with her or my granny, she ignored everything I wanted when I tried making amends and tried to make it seem like it was my fault that she was treating me unkindly. During this time I stayed with them my parents became nicer, they kept giving me money to support me and food or desserts my mom made. I remained distant and one time I refused to see my dad due to everything he did to me and my aunt got so angry and said I was ungrateful. I was so stressed out I became sick and I left after 6 months back to my parents because being by granny became too toxic, I told my mom about her older sisters behavior and my mom started gossiping wit that aunty and never called her out for mistreating me.
My mom side of the family visited, and they never helped me, not with a job and wanted to know what I was doing constantly, I felt so trapped living with my granny, I became stressed out and depressed due to my aunt’s treatment and I had to move back home.
They were nice when I moved back in with my parents, but they started acting like before and I took more of their abuse until I became very sick in 2022 and I was diagnosed with lupus in December. I tried going to a social worker, but that person refused to help me, and I felt trapped. I try to be cordial with my parents but now I avoid them due to not letting go of how they treated me for my whole life.
During 2022 I was making money by selling handmade products but ever since my hands gave out and stiffened as well as brain fog, paranoia and confusion due of lupus I had to stop my business, I got medicine and treatment for lupus which I am still taking.
Due to constant flares, I have not been able to make money for myself. I am currently going through another flare up due to stress so I am not sure when I will be able to start back selling products or applying for a job.
It was difficult to get a job during the pandemic, so I was putting it on hold, everything has opened back up but due to my chronic illness I am not sure what to do.