I need advice as soon as possible

Dear everyone, There is something has been happening that makes me uncomfortable. For context I am a female in my early 20s that lives with my parents. The relationship we had was not good and over the years their behaviour has worsened towards me.
Recently I was catching my dad naked and he would think it was funny.
At home he walks around in his underwear and no shirt and I used to think that was normal because he always did it and in my culture men usually are like that inside of the home but now that I am grown this is making me very uncomfortable.
When I was a teenager he bought me a tight dress and it was low cut I never wore it because I felt weird because it showed lots of clevage and I knew it was inapropriate for him to buy it for me, I threw it away before I did he claims he never bought it for me.
Two years ago he touched my butt and often acted like he was not doing anything wrong.
One time he wanted me to sit on his lap and I did and he never let go. I felt unconfortable and I tried getting away but I couldnt. I wanted to cry because I felt trapped.
I told a social worker about the incident of touching but it was brushed off and they did not take my plea to help me seriously and suggested I’talk it out’ so I cut contact with her because she had no problem with me living in a toxic household. When I told her it was affecting me mentally.
Today I caught him naked again and I closed my eyes and I walked away annoyed because I was going to the kitchen to get water but he was out there to get soap from the drawers. I try to avoid him as much as possible now because not once has he told me sorry or changed his behaviour.

My mom excuses his behaviour and thinks it is normal, I did not tell her about him touching me because she would blame me for it and excuse his behaviour. I tried telling her about these instances and it is like she does not care.

4 Hearts

Find a neighbor, clergy or relative that you are fond of and feel close to.
Seek their help immediately.
It’s NOT going to get any better!

3 Hearts

Is moving out/away an option?

2 Hearts

Im sorry this happened to you, when we dont feel safe in our household its the worst feeling ever. Depending on the age of our parents they see the world differently than we see it, did he have his behaviour when you were younger? What happened before he touched you? Setting boundaries with him is important, so next time he wants you to sit on his lap, you say no, obviously. The naked behaviour is a tougher one, sounds like you are from a latin family bc only us do these kind of stuff. Sadly we are the only ones who compromise in the parents relationship, and lately ive been thinking that truly there is an age where moving is the best option, you dont have to move out alone, if there’s a friend you feel comfortable moving out with, im sorry for not having much to say and not beijg very helpful and saying the things you already know, one thing i would do is an ultimatum as well, sit your parents and tell them the behaviour is unacceptable and something needs to change.

1 Heart

the best thing you can realize is YOU DONT NEED YOUR FATHER. NO ONE needs a person who is abusing them. that said, you havent provided enough information to help you…
we need to know

what culture are you referring to

where you are

what your living situation is, do you have relatives nearby or ones you can discuss this with, maybe cousins your own age who might be able to tell you similar stories if he has been alone with them,

what kind of support system you have (friends or relatives who you can stay with, or who can come stay with you)

your income, and how this might provide for exit options…

doctors are required to report child abuse, but i dont know if that includes victims who are currently adults, and then law enforcement is required to investigate abuse reports from doctors. you need to start recording your conversations, or filming them if possible, on your phone, or home security cameras are probably a lot cheaper than youd think. if youre concerned about his reaction then we need to know who might be available to assist or help you. but one thing is clear YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION, by either telling him to stop, talking about it with your mom, avoiding him as much as possible (stay in your room, with the door locked), moving out as soon as you are able, then cut off all communication.

1 Heart

I am very sorry to hear about this, this is a very terrible situation. Tell as many people that are close to you as you can; coworkers, friends, neighbors, police officers. It does seem he could be guilty at minimum of assault and indecent exposure.

Hi there. I did not overshare much information because I am used to people such as adults, social workers, physiatrists often brushing off my situation, so I did not give many details. I will provide as much context for you and anyone else that sees this blog. I am remembering these traumatic events after repressing them for so long, some details are fuzzy but what I can recall I will write it down. Thank you for reading.

I am a 22F , Black, I live in Barbados and my culture is Caribbean.
My living situation, I lived with my parents for a long time however when I was younger I lived at my granny’s house with my aunt, mom, dad, half sister and granny.
When I was younger life was happier, my parents, half sister and I would go out with each other, I often was shown affection and care from my mom, but my dad often was grumpy, annoyed and upset, one time when he was with his friend and I was there, he cursed around me and screaming. His friend told him to not act that way around me and he said he did not care that I was around he can act however he likes, I was 4 or 5 years. One time he stood in the middle of the road, he told me he wanted a car to hit him, I hugged him and cried because I did not want that to happen.

He often acted distant and stand offish and I wanted his attention as a child but I often avoided him because he did not act like how his friends would towards me, they would be happy to me me but my dad was often annoyed. He favored his first child (my half sister) with hugs, affection and often supported her in school when he never showed me that same love.
Everything changed when we moved out of granny’s house when I was 7,
He often got more annoyed and angrier with me for no reason, he often screamed at me and whenever he got angry, he would grab my arm and squeeze it, When I was 7, I told my dad after school I was not doing homework and he took a belt and beat me in my bedroom until I cried badly, I told my mom, and she scolded him.
When I was 10, I had to practice for CSEC exams to go into secondary school and one time I did not get my maths problem they both screamed at me so loudly I locked myself in my room. I then had to write a letter to apologize when I knew they were in the wrong, I had issues with match from the time I was young, and I don’t get it right away and people often screamed at me or implied I was the r word because of my reaction time, and I need to have it repeated before I get a problem solved.
When I started my cycle at 10 my mom told my dad and he often made fun of me for having my period. He often told me I looked too skinny, I had too much acne or my legs were spotty in an insulting tone throughout my life. Whenever I go to the hairdresser (14-17) he would become annoyed and angry, he never gave me a compliment and often screamed or acted annoyed whenever my hair had to be styled or if he had to take me to the hairdresser. Two of my previous hairdressers told me on separate occasions that my father does not like me and he does not love me based on how he acted with me in public.
He also took away my iPod one time when I could not sleep and I was dancing and enjoying myself, but he came to me, grabbed me and took my iPod out of my hands and hid it from me. He said he could do that because he could.
Also, at that time when I was 10 I had a neighbor that I would go out and play or he would show me tricks on his skateboard, but my mom told me because of my period I couldn’t hang out with boys anymore and I was dirty. I would lock myself in my room and avoid people, the only time I went outside was with my parents or extended family (they are much worse than my parents but that is a different story).
We moved homes when I was 11 and as I got older, he would still be stand offish, he often got mad if I talked to any boy and he often made up lies about my old neighbor because we used to hang out together and my neighbor did not like my dad because my dad would go outside and glare at him and he made up a fake story to justify his irrational hate.
I tried family counselling at 14 because I felt smothered by my parents and I did noy understand why I could not do things like other children such as catching the bus to school or hang out with friends, so I went to see a psychologist that my father knew. He told the psychologist that he was jealous of me, and he did not like that when he screamed at me for no reason or made me cry, I would go to my mom. In his eyes I was taking my moms attention from him. At one point my mom used to defend me from my dad but eventually she started taking his side and justifying his behavior, she said one time that she could not do anything because he treats me that way because his father used to physically abuse him.
When I was 15 he bought me a tight dress and I felt uncomfortable with it because it was not my style and it was very low cut, I never wore it and I hid it before I disposed of it, he claims he never bought it.
When I was 17 he barged into my room as I was styling my hair and he started screaming at me on why I was up , he then raised his hand to slap me, I was shocked, and I tried to act tough and asked him to do it but he walked away. He then started cursing loudly and woke up my mom to tell her that I was up late. I never told her about the threat.
He often would get upset at me for no reason as the years go on , one time he accused me of something he assumed and made it seem like that was how I felt all because I looked at him and he thought it was a look of disgust.
He started touching me in 2021 on two separate occasions and I would feel uncomfortable as I said before. He always walked around with no shirt and underwear from the time I was young and still does it now I am grown, it weirds me out, sometimes he used to change in the living room after he showered and I had to tell him sternly to stop it because it is gross especially since I go out of my room for breakfast or make my meals to eat at the dining table. Now I have to deal with catching him undressed I told my mom, and she still did not get a chance to tell him about it.

I have no support system, my half sister often treated me like I was annoying an we had a falling out in 2019. She also is close to my dad so he can easily persuade her of whatever he thinks.
My father’s side of the family is dysfunctional, they lie, fight, gossip amongst each other and one time one of my father’s sisters grabbed and squeezed my butt in front of my uncles and ask me why my but was so small and why was I not as shapely like them and she was laughing at my body. It was embarrassing and I did not tell anyone out of shame.
My mother’s side is the same way, they hate me and often gossip about me, constantly ask my mom what I am doing, and they tell my secrets and make fun of me behind my back. They do not value privacy and think that my business is their business.
I tried staying with my granny and aunt during 2020 but the experience was awful. My granny was sick but she took me in, my aunt was pissed I stayed, she proceeded to steal from me al of my food I bought from the supermarket, rely on m to buy groceries and take care of my granny, she shifted her responsibilities onto me and I became even more depressed because I was trying to recover from an ED and try to build myself up after living with my parents, My aunty often insulted me, played videos all throughout the night that I could not sleep, was miserable and often put her anger onto me, was mad at everything I did and she implied I was ungrateful and had no problems. and she was angry I when I told her I am an introvert, and I did not want to participate in gossip with her or my granny, she ignored everything I wanted when I tried making amends and tried to make it seem like it was my fault that she was treating me unkindly. During this time I stayed with them my parents became nicer, they kept giving me money to support me and food or desserts my mom made. I remained distant and one time I refused to see my dad due to everything he did to me and my aunt got so angry and said I was ungrateful. I was so stressed out I became sick and I left after 6 months back to my parents because being by granny became too toxic, I told my mom about her older sisters behavior and my mom started gossiping wit that aunty and never called her out for mistreating me.
My mom side of the family visited, and they never helped me, not with a job and wanted to know what I was doing constantly, I felt so trapped living with my granny, I became stressed out and depressed due to my aunt’s treatment and I had to move back home.

They were nice when I moved back in with my parents, but they started acting like before and I took more of their abuse until I became very sick in 2022 and I was diagnosed with lupus in December. I tried going to a social worker, but that person refused to help me, and I felt trapped. I try to be cordial with my parents but now I avoid them due to not letting go of how they treated me for my whole life.

During 2022 I was making money by selling handmade products but ever since my hands gave out and stiffened as well as brain fog, paranoia and confusion due of lupus I had to stop my business, I got medicine and treatment for lupus which I am still taking.
Due to constant flares, I have not been able to make money for myself. I am currently going through another flare up due to stress so I am not sure when I will be able to start back selling products or applying for a job.
It was difficult to get a job during the pandemic, so I was putting it on hold, everything has opened back up but due to my chronic illness I am not sure what to do.

It is
I will have to find out what is required as well as the prices.
I know I need to move at this point because their behavior it is stressing me out and affecting my physical health. It has deteriorated after being okay in three months, I had no flare ups due to being on medication for lupus. These months was hard for me an I experienced another flare up, luckily, I let the doctor know quickly and she was able to help me before my flare up became worse.

1 Heart

Thank you. Sadly, I do not have anyone close to me that can help so I need to find another option of assistance.

Your advice is appreciated. I actually am from a Caribbean household. I said in another reply to the full context about what happened throughout my life, thanks to yours and other comments, I realized I really need to move away, and I am not crazy. I felt like my life would be like this forever and I did not bother to push for help until he started acting weird.
I try to block it out and pretend I do not feel anything, but it is getting too much. I tried attempting twice to get away from my parents. The second time (2021) when I was in the hospital for mental care the nurses and the doctors did not help. I told them about what happened, and I had plans of going to a shelter to get away and build my life with help, but the doctors sent me back home and refused to book me with a social worker because they thought I just needed to fix the relationship with my parents. It has been two years later, and it is worse. I have a physiatrist now that I see regularly, and I feel scared to tell her what is going on. I really need help with this situation because I sacrificed everything for them my freedom, my hobbies and my happiness. Now I realize I am not happy, and I should stop pretending this is normal when it is not. Sometimes I feel scared to leave but I know I have to which is why I posted it here. Usually, I hide things to appear strong on the outside but ever since my flare up and traumatic memories resurfacing about them, I had to stop pretending and accept that do not feel safe, and I need to do something about it. I tried getting along with my parents, being nicer but they STILL treat me like I do not matter even when my health was failing recently, they did not notice so I decided to speak up here and reach out to ask for advice.

2 Hearts

Sorry if i sound ignorant but what is your first language? Caribe has many right? I see how scared you are by all the doctors throwing you off like that as well, i would always tell them what is going on, is something my bf complains a bit, that im always talking to people about my personal problems but you never know who might help. More and more i see how we compromise a lot to our parents and they dont do the same for us, its kinda ridiculous. What kind of hobbies did you have? And i wish you the best luck on moving out and being healthy.

this is all so terrible i am so sorry. you are very weak and vulnerable with lupus… two things come to mind: first, what religion is your village or city? have you ever been part of any of your local religions?

the 2nd thing, does your local (or state or federal) government offer assistance for lupus? would it be medical only? it might include housing, but you dont want to be in a situation thats even worse than youre in now… but youll want to be as close to your job as possible to avoid too much walking if that affects your condition

if neither of those is an option i dont know what other advice i can offer

Thank you so much for your advice.

The Caribbean has many languages but where I am from my first language is English.
My hobbies is reading I really like to read books or something that interests me, it helps to keep my mind off of this situation.
I will continue to speak about it, thanks to your advice and others it is giving my the strength to not keep quiet anymore. I truly feel vunerable and I should not feel ashamed about it.

1 Heart

TELL YOUR psychiatrist! Please be open and honest to your psychiatrist so they can help you. Best wishes!!

In my country the religion is Christianity.
I am a Christian

They don’t offer assistance for people with lupus but there is a support group for peoplevwith lupus here. I often felt uneasy when it comes to meeting new people but I will be open to doing it. Usually they provide emotional suppourt.

I tried going on government assistance in 2022 but all I got was no effort to look into my case and after the bad experience with the social worker, I changed my number because this person brushed off my experiences, refused to help because I was trying to support myself, they were often problems with the phone and she lied to me about getting documentation and when I really needed her she ghosted me and the old psycyatrist I went to (1 year from 2020-2021) I confided in her about my situation and she said:
‘I need to work with my parents’
‘You just live with them’
‘There are other more important people that need assistance than you’
‘Some people go on assistance who don’t need it at all’
I left that old psycyatrist for my current one who is more supportive , I will see what happens at my next apointment.

Thank you for your advice.
I will tell them at my next apointment. I never got the chance to because I did not feel comfortable since I was used to pretending everything was okay but I know I have to.

1 Heart

You are stronger than you realize. Go for health and happiness
I care.

Thank you for your encouragemen you and others advice has helped me.
I wrote a letter about my parents behaviour because last month it was when the memories started resurfacing but now since these weird stuff with my dad is happening more frequently and I remember more of the abuse I would have to go in detail with the psycyatrist. I am honestly really anxious because I do not want my parents to make me stop going to her or they hate her for no reason but I will still try.
I also had scoliosis and I was diagnosed at 17. This was when I really saw my parents for who they are they neglected me, it started off as severe chest pain and sometimes I could not breathe, people noticed I walk funny so after going to many doctors who refused to help me, my mom told me its all in my head, mind you it was affecting my hands and chest where sometimes I could not breathe or write since the pain would radiate. I finally got a doctor through a friend and he helped me , on our first apointment he is not a believer in medicine or vaccines and I respected his descision. He also encouraged me and tried to help me stop feeling so shy. (I was still going to school) My mom got so mad because he was anti vax and she started saying he was weird because he was white and his prices were too expensive. She refused to send me back there because she hated him. I saw him again in 2020 and I was do upset I told the chiropractor and apologized. He helped me but due to money issues and I got my treatment plan but my mom refuses to help.
She also tries to justify her actions and left me in pain at school, at first she refused to get me treatment when I was 17 until i got the guidance counsellor involved. My mom thinks my back problems dont exist.
I had to drop out of school because of their treatment in 2019 and I tried looking for a job but it was not sucessful and then the pandemic occoured.
No I havent seen the chriopractor for a long time because of money issues. They refuse to help me.

I will also speak about this experience I mentioned in 2017 with the psycyatrist.
Just like what happened before I do not want them to know I said anything or they do not like her and then they refuse to pay formental health treatment, due to that previous experience it made me really afraid and anxious to reach out to others to help but I still will try to do so.

Perhaps speaking to a pastor mat get help for you. Go to the social care office. If you are 18, you are independent now. Best wishes. I pray for help for you. God loves you!!! You are important!!!

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I will see what I can do since I am old enough.

1 Heart